Don't Stop For Me When I'm Jaywalking

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I am a semi-professional jaywalker.

If there's an opportunity to cross the street to optimize my travel route, I will. However, I'm no pro.

Crackheads have a way with traffic that takes years and copious amounts of drugs to replicate. They traverse through traffic like it's a scripted dance number, bobbing to the beat of car horns and screams from neighborhood Karens.

When I jaywalk, I feel alive. Every time I jet across a busy street, I risk being hit by a car, bus, or someone on a Bird scooter – it's invigorating. In many ways jaywalking is like taking your first sip of alcohol – you feel invincible, kinda degenerate, and you have no idea what's going to happen next.

The best jaywalks are when you have to perfectly time oncoming traffic in both directions. If completed successfully, you'll feel a rush of endorphins equivalent to completing a 100-mile ultra marathon.

However, I've had a few bad beats throughout my jaywalking career. One time while I was running through downtown San Francisco, I came close to a hall-of-fame-level performance but was interrupted by a Prius trying to be friendly and let me cross the street.

This is what drivers don't get about jaywalkers – you don't need to be friendly and let us cross the street; we're attempting to break world records and dazzle innocent bystanders who abide by ludicrous traffic laws.

In every instance of a driver stopping traffic to let me illegally cross the street, I think to myself, "what a great way to cause a f***ing accident and bring more attention to the fact that I'm breaking the law." Super helpful.

If you catch yourself stopping for jaywalkers, please stop. You're not being nice. Your being annoying and keeping jaywalkers from performing at their best.

Sincerely,

Noah Cracknell — your local jaywalker