Vulnerability is sick AF

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A line exists between being a wimp and being vulnerable. In today's society, the kid who quits their little league team is considered a wimp, but the employee who quits their job in pursuit of "better things" is relished for their strength and vulnerability. Is it any different, though?

It's different because we make it different. I grew up around kids who quit their little league team but have gone on to live extraordinary lives, building businesses, traveling the world, and doing life on their terms. They didn't fail the system; we failed them.

When a person is vulnerable, it's easy to misdiagnose them as weak. In fact, as a society, we default to attaching names like "wimp" and "loser" to people who surface an ounce of their insecurities. No wonder we have a mental health problem.

The problem with attaching demoralizing names and descriptions to courageous acts of vulnerability is that we discourage those people from being vulnerable again. This vicious cycle eats away at a person until they implode. Or until they go to the doctor and are told a pill will fix their problems. Either way, in the end, implosion is bound to occur.

As much as being tough and gritty is cherished on social media, it's ironic that vulnerability isn't. After all, it's the greatest act of strength. People like David Goggins and Cameron Hanes talk about "staying hard" but forget that the single hardest thing to do in life is to put your insecurities and emotions on the table to let the whole world see them. That takes guts.

This brings us to the whole point of this piece: my goal is to convince you that being vulnerable is sick AF. Hopefully, in the end, you'll understand why vulnerability is the path to strength and be able to welcome those who are vulnerable to you. Let's begin 🤝🏻

The first step in understanding vulnerability is to learn why people aren't vulnerable. I have a story that should paint the picture.

I recently joined a startup called Superset. We have a small team, so there are many moving parts, and everyone carries a lot of weight. Every week, we have meetings to sync on projects. Two weeks ago, out of nowhere, I got anxious about speaking in front of the team during standup (a meeting we do at the beginning of each day). It caught me completely off-guard, and I went down a mental loophole, thinking about how each of my team members might judge my every word. Were they? No.

The hard part about vulnerability is that we judge ourselves more harshly than others when we put ourselves out there. When it was my turn to speak, I stuttered, felt my heart pound, and lost my wording briefly. Did anyone notice? Nope.

But even if someone did notice, would that change anything? Not really. I'd still judge myself more harshly than anyone else in that Zoom meeting. This is the dilemma people face when they put themselves out there. It can be paralyzing. There's a term in investing psychology called 'loss aversion.' It's the idea that people would rather not lose than make a gain in the stock market.

As you can probably guess, most people who adopt this behavior lose more and make no gains. But the idea of loss aversion exists everywhere, especially in public speaking. Most people won't stand before a crowd and talk because they fear what people will think of them. They forgo a potential gain (overcoming fear & telling their story) to protect against a possible loss. But in this case, the loss is overhyped and not entirely true.

People aren't vulnerable because they'd rather avoid discomfort than risk making a fool of themselves or stuttering a few words in a weekly standup meeting.

"So people aren't vulnerable because they're afraid of what people might think of them?" Yes. At least partly. Another reason someone may not be vulnerable is that they've been vulnerable to the wrong people at the wrong time. Have you ever gone to a friend to hopefully talk to them about what you're dealing with, only to be met with soleless, superficial, sympathetic jargon? Unfortunately, the more someone is exposed to this reaction, the more it confirms the notion – in their head – that being vulnerable solves nothing. And it's better not to say anything at all.

Speaking of being vulnerable, did you see what I did there? I put myself out there. I told you about a less-than-fun experience I had in a standup meeting. Even as I write this, I can feel myself trying to peel back those words as I think, "they make you look weak" and "people will think of you differently." But the truth is, those thoughts aren't true.

I love writing for many reasons, but lately, it has been an outlet where I can be vulnerable. Even if that means hundreds of people are reading and analyzing my thoughts. It can be scary but also comforting.

Over the years, I've learned how to be vulnerable and how to spot it. The former requires letting down your guard, relinquishing control, and taking a chance – even though most of the time, it's an overhyped chance. The latter requires paying attention to a few cues from people you interact with.

Imagine you walk into the gym, and you see a friend from college. You guys get talking, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, the friend starts talking about how they've "got a lot on their plate" and "things are out of control." These are hints that your friend is attempting to offload some stress. They're not asking you to solve their problems; they're asking you to listen. If love heals the soul, then listening heals insecurity.

It would be easy to gloss over these cues and not do anything, but that doesn't help anyone. Life gets busy, but listening to your friends, family members, or significant other is always a worthwhile investment. Not only will you lend a hand, but you'll become wiser in the process. Tupac didn't say "listen twice, speak once" for nothing – there's power in listening.

But not all listening is created equal. You can't be half on your phone, half paying attention to your friend. You have to be actively listening, which requires your entire focus.

The better listener you become, the quicker you can tell if someone is trying to be vulnerable. Now, let's explore why that person trying to be vulnerable is awesome and what you can learn from them.

Have you ever wondered why we adore cinderella stories? It's because they're riddled with emotion. Do you think UMBC beat the no.1 ranked University of Virgina in the big dance because of chance alone? No. They were crazy enough to believe they could beat the no.1 team in the country. And they did! That's why we gravitate toward cinderella stories; they're filled with the emotion of a person or team believing one thing despite the world telling them it's impossible.

It would have been easy for those UMBC players to believe that University of Virginia, the best team in college basketball, was going to roll them. They're bigger at every position, they have more NBA recruits, they're led by a better coach, their facilities are nicer, the media believes they'll win, they're favored by TWENTY points… the list goes on and on.

Despite all of that, the young men in the UMBC locker room said, "what if?" and left it all out on the court. And it paid off. They stepped up to the plate and were vulnerable. Believing you can do something when no one else thinks you can is crazy, but it also shows your willingness to be vulnerable.

When a kid steps onstage to audition for American Idol, we don't give them the same respect as their thirty-year-old counterpart. Why? Because we don't expect a kid to be great. But when the kid is great, we're captivated. And we're not captivated by their talent alone but by their willingness to be vulnerable. To step on stage and surrender the fact they might flop.

Cinderella stories, kids crushing American Idol auditions, your gym friend trying to talk to you, and people stepping on stage to put themselves out there all have one thing in common: vulnerability. This quote by Mark Twain sums up vulnerability well; the path to living vividly is to:

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." ~ Mark Twain

The people who dance like nobody's watching, build like there's no tomorrow, perform like they don't know their competition, speak publicly as if there's no crowd, and live like it's heaven on earth are the ones we can learn the most from. They're living proof that the path to strength, achievement, and fulfillment requires vulnerability at every step of the process.

Being vulnerable isn't easy, but it sure is worth it. If you're fortunate enough to have someone you can be vulnerable with, pass the favor along: let someone be vulnerable to you. The world would be much happier if we all just took a second to recognize that vulnerability is sick AF.

Keep crushing.

Cheers,

Noah Cracknell

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